No clue why I am doing this....

Smoking round #5

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 00:47:12 GMT

In the past 5 weeks I have tried to quit smoking 5 times. Now one could say that its all one attempt to quit but thats not true. A quit as it is referred to by the former smokers ends with that first puff. As I keep trying I know this to be true now. Once I break down and take a puff it starts over. The withdrawal symptoms are as bad as they were that very first time after smoking 16 years. So why do I do this to myself? Like I said to Bess when she asked. You do something 30 times a day for 16 years and then stop! Addictive or not, that would be hard to do.

And so I keep on trying. When will I stop trying? When I have quit for good or all this kills me. Its been rough but in the end it will be worth it. Few more years of life and not stinking to all the non-smokers I know. Ye know its funny, smokers tend to be friends with other smokers but as our numbers die off we become good friends with non-smokers. At one time this was not an issue for me but now I feel like some drug addicted junkie, the lowest member of society.

Debs doing great, She is puttering around the house pretty good. Come to think of it she only putters normally too. LOL I love her.

My current record is 69 1/2 hours smoke free, that was this week. Clock starts again when I go to bed tonight.

Worried

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 22:55:53 GMT

Been an interesting week. Quit smoking on Monday. Kinda rough, all I think about is smoking and of course today I have stress to make that even harder.

Deb is in surgery right now. Its only day surgery getting her tubes tied but Its still surgery and it makes me worry. Can't even sit at the hospital because the stress is too much with my reduced capacity to cope at the moment. So I sit here and wait for a call from her.

Every time I go out all I think about is how I can get a smoke. Its a constant fight in my head. One sides says go ahead and smoke and the other says your a dumb fuck if you give in at thisa point. I just hope Deb is ok.

Talents....

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 01:42:49 GMT

I have noticed over the years that we all really suck at recognizing what talents we possess, but we seem to be experts at seeing them in others which of course leads to the inevitable envy of others. All the while we waste our own talents.

I have a ton of friends that are in no better situation than my own that I envy because they have such talents that I don't. Some of them are working towards making use of them but most like myself chose to wallow in self pity rather than make use of what has been given to them. They in turn sit there and watch their friends waste their talents and envy what their friends are wasting not seeing what they have themselves.

Seems to me that we all need to sit down and look at what we are selves can do and work from that. And if your list short and you really don't think your any good at what you listed anyway than you should get your friends to make your list for you.

Now of course you may have talents that others admire but you yourself are scared to let take over for fear of what may happen to you if ye did. I am in this boat I think. I have some talent when it comes to making things, working with computers and alike but thats not my true talent. Ye know what I mean, the one that your better at then everyone else you know, the one ye should be using but may not be for various reasons.Some people can do cool things like build,create,write,draw and all kinds of cool things. So whats my talent?

Manipulation of People...

Yea see where that can get you into trouble. Its done all sorts of things for me over the years and this past few years I have let it go because it discuss me. Even if I am helping the person I still feel guilty. How weird is that. I can understand the guilt if I was taking advantage of people but anyone who knows me now knows that I can't do that.

Things that this talent allows me to do better than most....
...Sales
...Politics
...Con Man
...Ripping People Off

Now sales is the only area I have used it to great success but I have never let it go and see where it takes me. What I need to do is find out what I can use it for and start to take pride in it and not fear it so much.

OK that enough BS from my brain for now...